A Virgin In Her 30s
The above was a humble translation of THIS Arabic article.
During my adulthood, I had a specific chronological plan for my future including graduating by 22, finding a job right after graduation, tying the knot by 23 after achieving the academic and job career. I thought this plan would succeed even if I faced some barriers at some points. Never once did it cross my mind, even in my worst nightmares, that I would reach my 30s being jobless, unmarried and without any real experiences!
This was a terrifying idea that I had never thought of but it became reality. Jobs in my small city are scarce, and my study specialization isn’t required in the job field. As for marriage, many guys asked for my hand but none of them had the merits of my dream knight. I’m not regretful for rejecting those guys and I don’t find reaching my 30s as horrible as I thought it would be in my early 20s. Nevertheless, another thing occupies my mind; sex. How is sex in real life different from the one in porn videos and the descriptions of my friends’ experiences?
I don’t deny that being in my 30s without experiencing sex has caused me distress and depression. What is real sex? What is an orgasm with a partner? What are the intimate feelings after having sex? A lot of questions soared my desire to find answers.
One day, I decided to catch up with the world of sex, even if I was quite late. I don’t intend to die without experiencing it. I moved to the first step, finding a partner with specific features: not younger than 29, good-looking, nice, and most importantly, secretive. I used one of these dating apps and I was astonished that a lot of guys have my required characteristics. I talked to someone, I didn’t feel physical attraction towards him but he was handsome and elegant which I liked. We kept communicating for a long period of time. One day, we decided to go all the way. The feelings of anticipation and enthusiasm pushed me towards him. Am I finally throwing away my virginity? Am I finally getting answers for the questions I have about sex by experiencing it?
I was ready and left home but an emergency incident forced me to go back. It was disappointing but we set another date for the following day. Unfortunately, another thing popped up which forced me to cancel it. What a bad luck! It was as if all the circumstances accumulated to stop me from having this experience! Finally, the day I waited for arrived. I wanted it so much that I made a risky plan for us to meet. My partner initially refused it but I managed to persuade him. I’m not going to mention the details of where the dangerous place where we met was or what severe risks we faced that could have caused my life to end. I’m only going to tell the details of this rendezvous.
During my adulthood, I had a specific chronological plan for my future including graduating by 22, finding a job right after graduation, tying the knot by 23 after achieving the academic and job career. I thought this plan would succeed even if I faced some barriers at some points. Never once did it cross my mind, even in my worst nightmares, that I would reach my 30s being jobless, unmarried and without any real experiences!
This was a terrifying idea that I had never thought of but it became reality. Jobs in my small city are scarce, and my study specialization isn’t required in the job field. As for marriage, many guys asked for my hand but none of them had the merits of my dream knight. I’m not regretful for rejecting those guys and I don’t find reaching my 30s as horrible as I thought it would be in my early 20s. Nevertheless, another thing occupies my mind; sex. How is sex in real life different from the one in porn videos and the descriptions of my friends’ experiences?
I don’t deny that being in my 30s without experiencing sex has caused me distress and depression. What is real sex? What is an orgasm with a partner? What are the intimate feelings after having sex? A lot of questions soared my desire to find answers.
One day, I decided to catch up with the world of sex, even if I was quite late. I don’t intend to die without experiencing it. I moved to the first step, finding a partner with specific features: not younger than 29, good-looking, nice, and most importantly, secretive. I used one of these dating apps and I was astonished that a lot of guys have my required characteristics. I talked to someone, I didn’t feel physical attraction towards him but he was handsome and elegant which I liked. We kept communicating for a long period of time. One day, we decided to go all the way. The feelings of anticipation and enthusiasm pushed me towards him. Am I finally throwing away my virginity? Am I finally getting answers for the questions I have about sex by experiencing it?
I was ready and left home but an emergency incident forced me to go back. It was disappointing but we set another date for the following day. Unfortunately, another thing popped up which forced me to cancel it. What a bad luck! It was as if all the circumstances accumulated to stop me from having this experience! Finally, the day I waited for arrived. I wanted it so much that I made a risky plan for us to meet. My partner initially refused it but I managed to persuade him. I’m not going to mention the details of where the dangerous place where we met was or what severe risks we faced that could have caused my life to end. I’m only going to tell the details of this rendezvous.
The experience was like a dream. I don’t mean it was as nice as a dream but due to being so enthusiastic and curious to live it, I felt as I was having it in a dream, not in reality. He lay down next to me on the bed. He had all the good-looking features that women would look for in their partners. He started to kiss me and caress me but I didn’t feel this spark running along my body that I heard about from others! “It’s fine, maybe it’s because I’m a novice!” Even during his passionate kissing, I didn’t feel pleasure! “How come!”, I asked myself. I heard that some people felt dizzy after their first kiss due to the extreme pleasure while others lost all sense of time. One said that she was about to lose consciousness and another said she became addict to the pleasure of kissing. I felt nothing at all! I was looking forward to a lot of happiness, pleasure and excitement but I got nothing!
His touches didn’t move me however, we continued. Despite not caring about the hymen, I asked to have it superficial. My concern was more about getting pregnant. After we were done, I had a mix of feelings but mostly it was happiness because I had had sex. Even if it didn’t live up to my expectations. I justified it by telling myself that the first experiences are not always pleasant and I will have happier upcoming dates. What matters is that I went through the experience.
In fact, I was driven by the sense of being flawed, not the desire of enjoying sexual pleasure. I was trying to overcome my embarrassment of reaching this age without having one of the main experiences in adults' life. This feeling disturbed my peace every time I read or heard about someone’s else sexual life. Talking about my following dates is not as important as how my feelings were after these experiences. I felt I owned my body and that I could enjoy it with a man of my choice. I felt like a confident, perfect woman.
I must confess that I reached orgasm only twice with him but sex without orgasm is sometimes exciting as well. To sum up, I write about this because I’m happy to be able to enjoy my body and femininity as I had always wanted. I can’t imagine how depressed and pathetic I would be today if I hadn't had my sexual experience last year and stayed a virgin!
His touches didn’t move me however, we continued. Despite not caring about the hymen, I asked to have it superficial. My concern was more about getting pregnant. After we were done, I had a mix of feelings but mostly it was happiness because I had had sex. Even if it didn’t live up to my expectations. I justified it by telling myself that the first experiences are not always pleasant and I will have happier upcoming dates. What matters is that I went through the experience.
In fact, I was driven by the sense of being flawed, not the desire of enjoying sexual pleasure. I was trying to overcome my embarrassment of reaching this age without having one of the main experiences in adults' life. This feeling disturbed my peace every time I read or heard about someone’s else sexual life. Talking about my following dates is not as important as how my feelings were after these experiences. I felt I owned my body and that I could enjoy it with a man of my choice. I felt like a confident, perfect woman.
I must confess that I reached orgasm only twice with him but sex without orgasm is sometimes exciting as well. To sum up, I write about this because I’m happy to be able to enjoy my body and femininity as I had always wanted. I can’t imagine how depressed and pathetic I would be today if I hadn't had my sexual experience last year and stayed a virgin!
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