Am I Asexual?
I’ve been exchanging online letters with someone for days on a correspondence application. He asked me the question that I’ve always hated. He said, “You must have been in a relationship before, so how many, and were they formal or informal ones?”. I asked him “Why did you say 'must'?”. He replied, “Because no one has never been in a relationship at least once”. I believe he wanted to add that no one of my age hasn’t been in a relationship before. I decided I wouldn’t continue this conversation. I wouldn’t try to justify myself to anybody. I told my close friend about that chat. She said; “You’re a rare case”. She then continued saying; “Why you don’t get into any relationship just for a change”.
She knows well that I’ve tried many times but it just didn’t work. I talked to many guys, and met others when I was in Cairo. Either we stopped talking at some point, or we ended up as friends or acquaintances, which is not bad, in my opinion. Maybe there’s something wrong with me, or I’m just a weird person but I at least deserved some kind of support from her!
There are times when I think maybe I’m asexual. I have never been in a relationship. I sometimes think of sex but I never masturbate. The first time when I was hugged by a guy I felt weird. I was told that it looked like I was going to cry. Yes, I felt guilty that someone touched my body. I was raised to think that nobody should touch me until I get married.
I believe a big part of my problem is that I wasn’t taught about sex, sexuality or puberty neither in school nor at home. I remember the first time I had the period I thought I was bleeding. I just changed my underwear and went to school. When I came back, mum gave me some pieces of cloth and told me to use them. That was it! No advice on how to use them, or how important to change them on a regular basis and above all, no explanations about what I was going through! A few years later, I learned of sanitary pads and decided to use them. The first time, I used one I put the pad upside down where the sticky part was above. So when I returned home, I found myself in a total mess!
The first time I learned about how sex is done, I was 19 years old, and it was in a chat with an acquaintance in my college residence. It was a big shock to me then and for a long time after, I avoided any chat where sex was mentioned. The first time I learned about masturbation, I was more than 22 years old, and it was through one of these Arabic TV shows which emphasized how bad it was.
Unlike most girls who remember the awful FGM during their childhood, I don’t remember this experience but I believe it effects my life in one way or another.
I contacted a website concerned with sex education and increasing people’s sexual awareness about my issue. They told me that the way I was raised, as well as FGM I had when a child made me unable to reconcile with my body. They said loving and enjoying my body are my own rights but what I’ve been through made me prohibit myself these rights, denying myself being a female, and rejecting any relationship with a guy. They also said that it would be a long way to walk through re-building bridges with my body, so I might need a kind of psychotherapy. Additionally, they advised me to avoid trying sex just out of curiosity, as I might be exposed to sexual exploitation and abuse.
This was two years ago, but since then, no progress has been achieved. I’m still stuck where I was, and it seems I’m not going to witness any change!
She knows well that I’ve tried many times but it just didn’t work. I talked to many guys, and met others when I was in Cairo. Either we stopped talking at some point, or we ended up as friends or acquaintances, which is not bad, in my opinion. Maybe there’s something wrong with me, or I’m just a weird person but I at least deserved some kind of support from her!
There are times when I think maybe I’m asexual. I have never been in a relationship. I sometimes think of sex but I never masturbate. The first time when I was hugged by a guy I felt weird. I was told that it looked like I was going to cry. Yes, I felt guilty that someone touched my body. I was raised to think that nobody should touch me until I get married.
I believe a big part of my problem is that I wasn’t taught about sex, sexuality or puberty neither in school nor at home. I remember the first time I had the period I thought I was bleeding. I just changed my underwear and went to school. When I came back, mum gave me some pieces of cloth and told me to use them. That was it! No advice on how to use them, or how important to change them on a regular basis and above all, no explanations about what I was going through! A few years later, I learned of sanitary pads and decided to use them. The first time, I used one I put the pad upside down where the sticky part was above. So when I returned home, I found myself in a total mess!
The first time I learned about how sex is done, I was 19 years old, and it was in a chat with an acquaintance in my college residence. It was a big shock to me then and for a long time after, I avoided any chat where sex was mentioned. The first time I learned about masturbation, I was more than 22 years old, and it was through one of these Arabic TV shows which emphasized how bad it was.
Unlike most girls who remember the awful FGM during their childhood, I don’t remember this experience but I believe it effects my life in one way or another.
I contacted a website concerned with sex education and increasing people’s sexual awareness about my issue. They told me that the way I was raised, as well as FGM I had when a child made me unable to reconcile with my body. They said loving and enjoying my body are my own rights but what I’ve been through made me prohibit myself these rights, denying myself being a female, and rejecting any relationship with a guy. They also said that it would be a long way to walk through re-building bridges with my body, so I might need a kind of psychotherapy. Additionally, they advised me to avoid trying sex just out of curiosity, as I might be exposed to sexual exploitation and abuse.
This was two years ago, but since then, no progress has been achieved. I’m still stuck where I was, and it seems I’m not going to witness any change!
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