Is Motherhood A Choice?
She has stayed with us since then. Tradition recommends for a woman to stay with her family for almost 40 days after delivery. Her husband visits them occasionally. My mother and I try to assist her and to carry and calm the baby down sometimes.
She was in a huge amount of pain after giving birth by caesarian section. Now she’s much better physically but I’m not sure how she feels mentally. One time while she was cleaning the baby, he was crying a lot, she shouted at him; “Enough, I’m fed up”.
According to our traditions, having children is a must. Everyone should have them as soon as they get married, otherwise, their marriage is incomplete. The majority thinks children are the sole purpose of marriage. It doesn't matter if the couples are prepared emotionally, mentally and financially or not.
“How many children do you have?” is the usual question that people ask once they know that somebody is married. Those who are sterile or have reproductive issues especially women are the soft underbelly who face pressures physically and psychologically to meet the expectations of their society. A woman who’s not able to have children will either get divorced or her husband will look for another wife. While if the husband has the issues, the wife has to suck it up and sacrifice motherhood because society sees that as her destiny.
Earlier, I told my mum that some people in other cultures choose not to have children of their own free will, though they don’t have any sterility issues. She said God would punish them for refusing his blessing. I didn’t tell her that if I have a choice, I want to be child-free. I love children but I can’t imagine myself living with one 24/7 for a long time. I like to play and act silly and childish with them but I believe I’m not sane enough to raise a child and be totally responsible for them in everything.
Additionally, I don’t think it’s fair to bring a child into this unfair world. I’m afraid I’d be a copy of my mother. I don’t want my children to suffer the same as me. I don’t want them to blame me for things I did and I thought were for their best but in fact, it just hurt them. I don’t want my children to hate me due to being a mother hen and turning their life into hell either out of ignorance or intentionally.
If you get married and later find yourself unhappy or that you can’t tolerate your partner anymore, you can get divorced. If you have a friend who hurt you or on whom you can’t count anymore, you can end the friendship.
Whereas parenthood is an irreversible decision. You can’t later say, "I don’t want this child anymore". Yes, some parents do abandon their children but this is kind of a crime. It’s not a mutual relationship like friendship or marriage. You choose to have them but they don’t choose you. It’s your duty to raise them and take care of them. If you don't, the children will be victims of your irresponsible decisions and they might hate you for the entirety of their lives.
So you have to think twice before having them in the first place.
I remember when we misbehaved as kids, mum used to beat us with the broomstick or slippers. The wardrobe and under the bed were our go-to places to hide from her. This was the common way to discipline children in our society but it left scars on our bodies as well as our souls. Parents justify it saying they sometimes have to be tough with their children because they don’t want them to go off the rails. Mum maybe tried to be as good as she could but she often failed. When pressures pushed down on her, it was too easy to slip up. The nasty woman inside her took control most of the time.
Safy once told me that the one who was deprived of something, particularly emotions like: kindness, affection, love or whatever, would bend over backwards to provide them to their children. I don’t agree with her. How come someone couldn’t find love and warmth when they needed it, be able to give these to another!
Whereas parenthood is an irreversible decision. You can’t later say, "I don’t want this child anymore". Yes, some parents do abandon their children but this is kind of a crime. It’s not a mutual relationship like friendship or marriage. You choose to have them but they don’t choose you. It’s your duty to raise them and take care of them. If you don't, the children will be victims of your irresponsible decisions and they might hate you for the entirety of their lives.
So you have to think twice before having them in the first place.
I remember when we misbehaved as kids, mum used to beat us with the broomstick or slippers. The wardrobe and under the bed were our go-to places to hide from her. This was the common way to discipline children in our society but it left scars on our bodies as well as our souls. Parents justify it saying they sometimes have to be tough with their children because they don’t want them to go off the rails. Mum maybe tried to be as good as she could but she often failed. When pressures pushed down on her, it was too easy to slip up. The nasty woman inside her took control most of the time.
Safy once told me that the one who was deprived of something, particularly emotions like: kindness, affection, love or whatever, would bend over backwards to provide them to their children. I don’t agree with her. How come someone couldn’t find love and warmth when they needed it, be able to give these to another!
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