When Your Mother Hates You

“You’re a w*ore. I regret every effort and penny I spent on you.”, Mum shouts at me. “I’m a w*ore because I'm the daughter of a w*ore like you”, I answer her back. We exchange swearing and cursing at each other every time we have a clash. Yes, swearing at parents is considered a very rude attitude, especially in our culture but I can’t help! I think if someone who doesn’t know us hears our rows, they might think we’re sort of enemies, not simply a mother and her daughter!

Yesterday, she lost something as always. She left no stone unturned looking for it and then came to me asking where I had hidden it. She never says what’s exactly missing. She uses words like “Give me this stuff back”, “Where is the thing you took?” or using pronouns referring to the missing object. How am I supposed to know what she looks for if she doesn’t tell me straightforwardly?

Sometimes she says she saw me taking it. I don’t know if she just lies or she suffers delusions! What is worse is that she has become a nitpicker, no matter how much I help her around in house chores, I never measure up to her expectations.

At the beginning of every month, when she asks me these questions, I know she either lost her pension or her visa card or to be specific, she forgets where she kept them. Then she accuses me of taking away whatever it is. I once found out that she usually rolls up her sleeves and keeps money inside. This explains why I find money thrown on the floor sometimes. When I told her that, she asked why did I pay so much attention to her? Other times, the opposite happens, she wonders why didn't I pay attention to her actions! I try to keep my composure but, most times, my blood boils. I lose my temper when we go around the same stories over and over again.

Avoiding any contact with her, I stay in my room almost around the clock. Sometimes her status suddenly turns 180 degrees. She becomes peaceful and in a good mood, she then tries to initiate a chat with me calmly! I regain my composure as well and get in touch with her but I always know there is another war in the air.

If she doesn’t argue with me, she probably will do, with my brother or my sister when she visits us. I’m just getting the lion’s share of her rows because I’m the black sheep of this family who goes off the rails, “in their opinion”. Or maybe as Graeme said, it's because I'm always there.

I can feel that she hates me as much as she hated my father. She says I resemble him in many aspects, and that I got the bad qualities from him. Even involuntary petty acts, she believes I got them from him. I usually cross my legs when seated. She comments that he used to take that position. Over and above all, she repeatedly tells me that I am as undesirable as he used to be among people. In other words, I remind her of the person she hates the most. But he wasn’t with us that long to pick up these habits from him, otherwise it’s my genes’ responsibility. If so, then it’s beyond my control.

A few weeks ago, after we had a row, she called someone on her phone. She was talking loudly and angrily, I could hear her complaining; “she hides things away from me and she doesn’t help with household chores. I pray that God punishes her badly and turns her life into hell”. I told myself, “I’m already in hell stuck with you! What could be worse than that?”.

The fact is that our relationship was poisonous even before her mental health deteriorated. I remember we always had clashes and violent confrontations during my high school and college days. Her current condition has just made it a million times worse. There is a famous saying in Arabic that says, “What was broken, will never get fixed”. I believe this is true regarding my relationship with Mum. We allowed the past to build a wall of hatred between us. None of us is able to climb it to reach the other because we will never forget or forgive. As long as we’re together, we keep adding fuel to the fire.

I used to see her as a miserable wretch but nowadays she’s a villain in my eyes. Day by day, I feel apathetic as though I’m turning into a robot with a hollow heart inside! I often have evil thoughts wishing her dead. This would bring peace and comfort for all of us, even for her.