Could We Like Someone Without Knowing Exactly Why We Do?

Melissa asked me what I liked about “my ex's personality”. I didn’t know what to say. Then she added, “Could he make you a better person?” “Actually, his break-up with me pushed me to work on myself.” I instantly replied.

I kept thinking of that question for a couple of days and then I had a chat with her again about it. “I can’t find anything I liked about him. Saying that he was nice and cool is a very broad characteristic. Many people are nice and cool but when we get to know them deeply, we find out that they are not the same as we thought. I don’t know whether I can’t find an answer because I want to hate him so my mind prohibits me from seeing the good sides of his character or if it is just the fact that I didn’t like him.”

The things I managed to mention to her didn’t have anything to do with his personality. It was about the experiences I had with him which mostly were first-time ones.

Before knowing him, I was roaming from one place to another without having a specific goal or a clear plan for my future. I was mistaken to make having him a goal. I wanted to run away from my family and the aimless life I had and I found a way out in him. Maybe it’s time to admit that I didn’t like him. I didn’t even like all of my experiences with him. I didn’t understand how I felt about them because I was still learning about myself.

Sometimes, I thought a specific feeling was normal in specific cases but that was wrong. We shouldn’t feel pain in our intimate experiences. We shouldn’t be insecure while being with someone we decided to trust and be with. I was puzzled with all those feelings and experiences. I couldn’t understand that until I talked about them out loud with Melissa.

Now, I believe that if I didn’t have these experiences with him, it would have been much easier to get over him. Ruminating on those experiences held me back, not him.

I liked having him as company. I liked being liked by him. Sometimes, he was kind and nice. Other times, he acted like a machine. This is not to say that he was a bad person. He wasn’t. Maybe someone else could see some bright sides of his personality but I couldn’t.

Do you think when we like someone, there are always reasons for that or could we like someone without knowing exactly why we do?