Here, There And In-Between

 "Maybe you're still feeling stuck because he was your first love. Do you think that you may have been too idealistic about your relationship? Or that there might be unresolved issues preventing you from moving on emotionally? Do you feel resentment and anger instead of sadness or regret?" her friend asked her.


She answered; "I don't know why I'm still stuck! I believe if I pin down why, I'll be able to get over it and move on!


Sometimes, I think maybe I loved him but was trying to deny it! Or maybe it's because he was my first intimate relationship and the first time is hard to forget!


Maybe it's because I feel he took advantage of me and of my naivety! He had been in relationships, but I had zero experience. I still blame him for not slowing down even if it was me who rushed things. Considering that he knew how different my culture was, he should have been the one to recommend that we take our time and get to know each other before going all the way. He made me think that he was interested, and I was so naive to believe him, but he wasn't!


Or maybe it's because I'm still depressed. Or maybe because he made me feel bad about my hearing loss when he said I was giving him irrelevant answers! Maybe it's because the relationship ended so abruptly! I didn't get a chance to take it all in. I still can't understand how fast he changed in one week, how he realized in one week that it wasn't working! Why did he pay for the flight and for the transfer and wait for me at the airport? Why did he promise he would support me if he couldn't keep promises?


Maybe I was hoping he would try to check on me after all, to ask my friend whether I was okay or to use his other number to message me, and, to some extent, show that he cared and that I wasn't just another number added to his relationships!


Maybe you're right and I've been too idealistic, not only about my relationship with him but also about my friendship with my close friend. Maybe it's because I expected them to play roles that weren't theirs. I expected too much from them.


Maybe, it's because of the unspoken thoughts - and not just with him; it happened with others as well. But with him, there'll never be a chance to say them. I talked to my close friend about all the unspoken thoughts I had about her. She got angry at me and said that I should have said them at the time. But I was struggling with talking and speaking my mind out loud. She started justifying everything I told her about how disappointed I was with her for not advising or warning me enough. I wasn't waiting for her to justify herself. I'm not angry at her anymore; I'm not suppressing any feelings or thoughts. I just no longer want to keep any thoughts regarding others inside my mind. I want to share and speak up.

On New Year's Eve, I was with a German friend and some of her German acquaintances. Among the attendees, there was a couple; a German woman and an Egyptian man. After the clock struck midnight, everyone wished each other a happy new year and this man kissed women on the cheeks which is normal in Western culture. He kissed me on my cheeks as well, but I didn't like it. 

I still have trouble saying NO right away. It takes me time to decide whether I'm okay with something or not! I haven't told anybody about it, even that German friend. It wouldn't change anything. It's me who needs to change and act fast. It's better to say no rather than go with the flow and end up feeling bad or regretting it later. It's similar to situations that happened with my ex or with others. Everybody blames me for not saying No and speaking my mind because people don't read minds, like my ex always said. They, however, don't understand how difficult it was and still is. I'm trying to work on it. I just need time and patience."

To be continued

*Based on a true story