Reasons To Keep Going

I’m trying to rewire my brain to perceive the glass as half full. I’m pushing it to look for reasons to keep going in this cruel world. My niece and nephew are the first and probably only reasons that come to mind. Whenever I see them, my heart leaps.

The moments I spend with them are precious and make me feel useful. They are able to bring me to life. One of these precious moments was the first time I heard my nephew calling me Zeeza. He exclusively gave me this cute nickname or to be specific, he made it up when he was just two years old. No one called me Zeeza before and this is one more reason why he’s the apple of my eyes. Now, my niece calls me Zeeza as well which is the icing on the cake.

One day when I was away from Luxor, my sister messaged me that my nephew was dreaming of me and talking in his sleep, saying, “We’re coming, Zeeza.” He probably missed me and was dreaming about coming to visit me. And there’s that moment when out of context, my nephew looks at me and says: “Zeeza, I love you!” His eyes shine every time I tell him: “I love you to death.”

I wasn’t there when my niece was born. I’m doing my utmost to catch up with her. During the time we’ve been spending together, we’ve been getting closer. One day, her parental grandmother was supposed to babysit her but my niece said to her mother: “No, I want (to go to) Zeeza.”

When I think about these touching moments, I feel useful and liked. Then, I feel I want to have my own children one day. However, I kick this thought out of my mind as soon as I remember all the trouble that's already in my life and the extra trouble I might get into if I ever have children. Anyway, time flies and one of these days, my chances of becoming a mother will run out, whether I want it or not.