When Your Narrative Is Used Against You
I felt irritated after finishing my first therapy session. The therapist used my narratives against me. I told him about the major events in my life. Hearing loss was one of them.
I told him I had been hard of hearing since I was a child. I don’t know whether I was born like that or I lost hearing at some stage when I was young. At school, my mother used to ask my teachers to allow me to sit on the first bench so I could better follow lessons. I also told him about those moments during college when my peers pointed out that I didn’t hear them in some situations.
He asked why I didn’t seek help during college despite knowing all of that. He continued saying that at least I’d have been able to get the hearing aids with the college insurance. He wondered how come I only started wearing hearing aids in my late twenties.
I told him I was like that all my life. I don’t recall losing my hearing at some point where I could recognize the difference. It wasn’t like I had normal hearing up until I was ten years old and suddenly, I lost it. I would have noticed it as I did when my sight changed. During high school, I couldn’t see well from afar. I went to an optometrist who said I needed glasses. But this wasn’t the case with my hearing.
His questions just made me feel worse because this was what I was already doing to myself over the last few months: asking why. Why didn’t my mother get me hearing aids when I was young? Why didn’t the ENT doctor recommend a hearing assessment? Why didn’t one of my friends advise me to check my hearing? Why didn’t I educate myself and take this step earlier? I seek his help to stop asking myself why and what if, not to receive more why from him!
I also want to stop justifying myself to others. It’s over and all of that is past now. I want to reconcile with my past and accept that I can’t change it. I can only deal with the consequences and try to avoid repeating mistakes. I’m seeking help because I have moments when I question my existence.
Why am I here? Why do I have to keep going? What’s the point of all of that? Should I just end this mockery? Unfortunately, I don’t have enough courage to do it.
I feel lost and with no purpose. Some people say that I want the easy way out but they have no idea how long I’ve been taking the hard way. Why do I have to fight all the way? Why do I have to learn lessons the hard way? Why do I have to stumble over and over again? Don’t I deserve some peace? Some rest?
I wish that my mind would stop allying with others against me! I wish it would stop asking why and what if!
I told him I had been hard of hearing since I was a child. I don’t know whether I was born like that or I lost hearing at some stage when I was young. At school, my mother used to ask my teachers to allow me to sit on the first bench so I could better follow lessons. I also told him about those moments during college when my peers pointed out that I didn’t hear them in some situations.
He asked why I didn’t seek help during college despite knowing all of that. He continued saying that at least I’d have been able to get the hearing aids with the college insurance. He wondered how come I only started wearing hearing aids in my late twenties.
I told him I was like that all my life. I don’t recall losing my hearing at some point where I could recognize the difference. It wasn’t like I had normal hearing up until I was ten years old and suddenly, I lost it. I would have noticed it as I did when my sight changed. During high school, I couldn’t see well from afar. I went to an optometrist who said I needed glasses. But this wasn’t the case with my hearing.
His questions just made me feel worse because this was what I was already doing to myself over the last few months: asking why. Why didn’t my mother get me hearing aids when I was young? Why didn’t the ENT doctor recommend a hearing assessment? Why didn’t one of my friends advise me to check my hearing? Why didn’t I educate myself and take this step earlier? I seek his help to stop asking myself why and what if, not to receive more why from him!
I also want to stop justifying myself to others. It’s over and all of that is past now. I want to reconcile with my past and accept that I can’t change it. I can only deal with the consequences and try to avoid repeating mistakes. I’m seeking help because I have moments when I question my existence.
Why am I here? Why do I have to keep going? What’s the point of all of that? Should I just end this mockery? Unfortunately, I don’t have enough courage to do it.
I feel lost and with no purpose. Some people say that I want the easy way out but they have no idea how long I’ve been taking the hard way. Why do I have to fight all the way? Why do I have to learn lessons the hard way? Why do I have to stumble over and over again? Don’t I deserve some peace? Some rest?
I wish that my mind would stop allying with others against me! I wish it would stop asking why and what if!
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