Why Me?
I still remember that time when I went to Qena with my mother to get one of my hearing aids fixed last year. We also went to get the one which had been sent to Cairo, since there was no possibility of having it fixed in the Qena branch. As soon as we entered the office, the technician brought us the fixed hearing aid, then said while handing it over to my mother; "It's for Hagga, right?". Hagga is a word that is said to older Muslim women It literally means female pilgrim. I just looked at him and stretched my hand out to take it. He didn't comment. He seemed shocked and embarrassed. That situation irritated me because it made me feel like I shouldn't be hearing impaired at least, not at this age.
Later on, he examined the other one but as soon as I put it on, it started to give out a beeping sound. He checked my ear and found there was something like fungi or bacteria, so I had to have my ear checked again by the doctor. I had already gone to the doctor twice before. That doctor's prescription didn't work, so the company's representative in Luxor recommended another doctor to me.
These days, I have the same problem, but I'm reluctant to go check it. It is like starting everything all over again. This issue affects me badly in every aspect of my life. Thinking about it makes me so mad. Not knowing the reason why I'm hearing impaired adds fuel to the fire.
One day, I asked the doctor about it. After checking my audiological evaluation, he answered, 'It's because the hearing nerve is damaged.' Then I asked, what caused the damage to the hearing nerve? He replied, 'We can't know at this stage'. I felt disappointed and angry then. I wanted to know the cause so much. Maybe I wanted to put the blame on something or someone. Maybe I wanted to know that it was because of my mother's carelessness towards me during childhood, or due to a genetic problem. Maybe I wanted one more reason to blame and hate her. I just want an answer. I don't know if this answer would relieve me, or just make me more upset. However, I want it, since I can't stop ruminating on it.
I ask God all the time, 'Why me?' Why was I picked to be hearing impaired? Why do I have to suffer and struggle to decipher a song that is running in the background while others can sing along with it easily? Add to that, the embarrassing situations that I face when I can't keep up with conversations with people. I think that was one of reasons why I became introverted. I remember some members of my family used to accuse me of being arrogant. It was just that I couldn't follow all that they said, so I kept being lonely.
I read once that some people with age lose part of their hearing. I wondered 'So will I be completely deaf when I reach an advanced age?'
Later on, he examined the other one but as soon as I put it on, it started to give out a beeping sound. He checked my ear and found there was something like fungi or bacteria, so I had to have my ear checked again by the doctor. I had already gone to the doctor twice before. That doctor's prescription didn't work, so the company's representative in Luxor recommended another doctor to me.
These days, I have the same problem, but I'm reluctant to go check it. It is like starting everything all over again. This issue affects me badly in every aspect of my life. Thinking about it makes me so mad. Not knowing the reason why I'm hearing impaired adds fuel to the fire.
One day, I asked the doctor about it. After checking my audiological evaluation, he answered, 'It's because the hearing nerve is damaged.' Then I asked, what caused the damage to the hearing nerve? He replied, 'We can't know at this stage'. I felt disappointed and angry then. I wanted to know the cause so much. Maybe I wanted to put the blame on something or someone. Maybe I wanted to know that it was because of my mother's carelessness towards me during childhood, or due to a genetic problem. Maybe I wanted one more reason to blame and hate her. I just want an answer. I don't know if this answer would relieve me, or just make me more upset. However, I want it, since I can't stop ruminating on it.
I ask God all the time, 'Why me?' Why was I picked to be hearing impaired? Why do I have to suffer and struggle to decipher a song that is running in the background while others can sing along with it easily? Add to that, the embarrassing situations that I face when I can't keep up with conversations with people. I think that was one of reasons why I became introverted. I remember some members of my family used to accuse me of being arrogant. It was just that I couldn't follow all that they said, so I kept being lonely.
I read once that some people with age lose part of their hearing. I wondered 'So will I be completely deaf when I reach an advanced age?'
Comments
Post a Comment